Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
