She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
