i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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