Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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