You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
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