i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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