I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
