Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
