porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
