the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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