burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
