Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
