Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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