did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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