You're completely useless in the revolution.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
