We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
