You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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