When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
