I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Randomize
