I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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