just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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