my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Randomize
