I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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