Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
