The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
