i don't like sucking hair
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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