I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
