I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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