How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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