he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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