just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm like, not good at living.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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