Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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