it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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