When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
