is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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