she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
