Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
