i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
