I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
