I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
