I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
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The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
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I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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