when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
