he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
