somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
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i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
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You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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