No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
