is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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