She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
he's gonorrhea incarnate
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
