I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
