I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
