I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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