It's like a parade of train wrecks.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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