Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
