Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
