Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
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