in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
