And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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