new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
